Just hang on…

The last few weeks I’ve been perched on a tiny tip of an iceberg … all my energy solely spent just keeping steady… not moving forward or back.  

I don’t do “holding steady” well.  I want to make grand sweeping steps of progress, but just keep on “keeping on”?  No.  That I just do.  But this time I’ve made an exception.  I am even a bit proud of my non-leaping-movements.

I was given some very bad medicine choices by my doctor, and it’s sent me spinning.  They are toxic to both my body and mind.  So much so that I have begun to loose whole blocks of hours and days from my memory after just having lived them.  So I am trying hard to wean off the meds, one day at a time, so slowly it feels like I am not moving anywhere positive at all.  I actually feel I am plunging backward into the icy hell more days than not.  Withdraw is my evil companion.

Withdraw stinks… and I dont want my kids to see nor be affected by it.  I could detox elsewhere and be a bit more free to go with the flow… but I’m a mom.  My kids dont stop needing a mom just because she has issues.  So I try to time it so the hardest moments are during the school day and at night…

As much as I think I can play with the timing – sometimes staying perched with your head above water is all you can really ask for. There have been days I honestly didnt think I could do one more day.  It’s then that someone comes along and provides a steady arm, a caring smile, and encouraging words. Or my goofy son will run through the room making superhero sounds and chattering on and on – and I realize in so many ways this withdraw thing isn’t even about me – or for me.  It’s for them.   It’s in the worst of moments that you see that sometimes success and happiness are truly easy to reach.  I don’t need to do amazing and grand things…  I just need to get back to being ME again.  My kids miss her.  My husband misses her.  And dont tell anyone, but this self loathing woman (who so often feels like she’s failed at the very things she wants to do best) well she actually misses that goofy chick, too.

So I have come up from a darkness after weaning off the #1 worst of the medicines… and soon will begin to tackle the next.  I assure you I am not gone, even if you dont hear from me for eons.

I cant help but feel like, after I am done climbing my way back out of this hole, I will immediately begin to climb yet another mountainous hill. If this stuff/medicine wasnt the answer… then I am back to square one.  I am not sure where to start or what new doctor to find.  Someone out there has the answer. Or maybe not.

I have a long way to go…

But for now, I am just going to focus on staying steady… and reclaiming me for a while.

Today?  I just focused on fighting myself and somehow get to my daughter’s soccer game… where she had the pleasure of having her mom present (with her family) to see her score her first two awesome goals of the season.  That will hold me over the next few days that try to overwhelm me.  I was there…  I was present.  I was mom.


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