There have been many ups and downs in the 15 years we have been married. This year has been hard. I wouldn’t call it a down – but it has been a hard one for us. Many times, there have been intense battles for which we have been ill prepared, or not at all. But never, never have we ever entered into a time of trial or hardship where we did not come out victorious in the end… so right now, as we search for answers to my continued health issues, we stand together in battle, and we are putting on the Armor of God as we head in for the next round.
I dont usually preface “stories” as real, fiction, or give a backstory in advance… but this time I want to tell you this “story” and have you know as you begin that every single word is as true as my heart can stand to make it. This is a “free write” – which means that it is just written as it comes out, unedited, and for myself as part of my personal journal. So forgive any grammar errors. I chose to share it just as part of my honest look under my “mask.” God covers us completely, and I can attest that he honors the prayers of a husband covering his wife with His holy word.
A Battle of the Mind and soul…
The medicine wasn’t doing what they said it would do. She had been to doctors, been poked, prodded, scanned, and drugged. So far, medicating a structural problem had proved to only complicate issues, not improve them. Not only did she have the initial problem, she now had side effects that left her a shell of the woman she once was.
The basic problem? Her brain was too big for her skull. Her husband joked he had told her not to get so big headed. Now look what it had done to her. She needed his laughter, even if it was at herself.
Padding her way into the kitchen after watching her husband leave for work out the front window, she opened the locked case of medicines that both relieved her pain and terrified her. She wanted to beg her husband to stay home tonight, but she didn’t. She prayed to God to let her fall asleep before the hallucinations began this night. They were getting worse and more intense each night. She was scared like a 8 year old afraid of the dark on a stormy night.
What she didn’t know was that the side effects she had weren’t normal. She was having a reaction to one of the many meds she had been put on, but there was no way to narrow down the culprit to just one. Her doctor’s appointment was just a day away so she thought she’d just wait it out. So hoping to ward off a new round of intense migraines, she chose to go into battle – battle with her own mind, and her grip on reality.
She climbed into bed after checking on their three kids and making sure they were tucked safely into their beds and asleep. After the meds took effect, she’d be lucky to stagger down the hall without tripping on the floor that would rise to meet her moving feet and to see through the images that weren’t really there.
Before she could fall asleep, though, her arms and legs began to tingle and the warmth crept up her body and enveloped her. Instead of it being a welcome sign of peace to come over her, taking away some of the pain, she shivered as it stole her mind and she began to fight to stay in reality.
The rush of noiseless voices began to fill her ears and she tried to squeeze out the whispers by plugging her ears. Terrified to shut her eyes, she watched as her vision darkened into a deep green and black. From the corners of her mind came the demons. Their open mouths dripping of black evil were only outdone by the glowing of their red eyes. Large, slanted, horrible eyes. Demonic doesn’t even begin to describe the beasts. They swirled and snared, rushed at her and slithered along the foot of the bed.
Over and over she told herself none of this was real, that it was the drugs, and that they would eventually even out and her body would grow used to them and allow them to numb the migraine producers. She just had to be brave and hold on tight. She could do this… But she couldn’t for a minute more believe her sane mind. All she could see was the reality that her eyes told, the vicious lies they saw. Trembling and trying to remain calm, she began to whimper out words at the demons. She weakly demanded that they be gone… That she was God’s child and they had no right to be in this house. God reigned here.
She knew that satan could not read minds. Only God is all knowing… so she called out to the visions in her mind again and cried out to Jesus to protect her. Though the darkness of her mind she reached out and felt around for her bible. It lay on her bedside table. Her bible pressed to her chest, her eyes wide with fear, she over and over forced herself to speak with conviction, “In the name of Jesus, I banish you! Be gone from this house. Be gone from me. Jesus help me!”
With the touch of the Bible to her quivering chest, her vision instantly went red and inscribed on her walls were swirling ornate carvings with a cross firmly centered at the foot of her bed. At first the red scared her, but as she slowed her breathing and the demons retreated back to their corners, her fingers traced the scrolling pattern inlayed into the leather of her Bible. She looked down at it and then up at her walls. Truth fought its way into her mind and she knew Jesus was with her in battle. The vision before her was the same as the cover of the Bible, down to the very swirl and twist.
She lay the Bible on the bed beside her and immediately the demons flew out from their forced retreat. She cried out loud softly and grabbed the Bible back up and began praying for all she was worth. Trembling she simply said, “Jesus help me,” over and over. All her 37 years vanished from her and she was but a tiny helpless child laying her the arms of Jesus. She cried out that she was too tired to hang on all night to her fight. To go it alone in battle, in prayer, and she asked what to do.
It was a small and tiny voice in the back of her mind, but it was insistent. CALL HIM. So she did. She sent a message to her husband… a text… and asked him to come home. He knew she never did that. Never. So he made it happen and he came to her before an hour was up.
He cradled her in his arms and protected her from her visions. She uttered to him all she could manage and he held her tight till her shaking stopped. Her body slowly stopped it’s convulsing and her tears slowed. He prayed over her with quiet strength and power. The hairs on arms all stood at attention as he covered her in his love and offered up prayers on her behalf. The power of Jesus was so close that her every fiber felt it.
Released from the grip of her hallucinations, slowly she began to let the muscles in her body relax and rest. She fell asleep in his arms, grateful that he never let go. He never questioned her reality, he simply came and he prayed.
All night long he held her, prayed over her, and as she finally slept, continued to check on her and banish anything from her peaceful slumber.
She was taken off the meds the next day, had to go through withdraw, and adjust to new medicine the following weeks. It continues to haunt her as she climbs in bed each night, but she fights back – refusing to let the unholy win.
Was it real? Was it just in her mind? Was there a Holy war being waged right inside her home for a foothold on her? Maybe… maybe not. But it doesn’t matter the reality, it only matters that when it counted, when she was at her most desperate, he was there, together in battle with her, and hanging on to their faith and trust in Jesus to see them through.