The nurse walked in and looked at me, stepped out of the room, back in again, looked at the chart, then asked if I was really who’s chart she had.
Um, yes, I guess, but who’s chart do you have? She read off my name. Okay, yep, that’s me… Why did she sound so confused?? She looked at my age and asked if I was really only 37. Oh wow – I like her now. ONLY 37 she said. That was nice. Then she hit me with the, “because from the chart I assumed you were more like the reverse”. Did she mean 73? Oh dear heavens! * Sigh * I wondered if this was going to be another of “those” appointments where no one believes me and I just go home in frustration and move on, try to suck it up and convince myself that I am too young to feel this much pain, and that it’s not real.
But no – that wasn’t what happened today.
“I believe you,” the doctor said to me after going over my chart. He sat it down, looked me in the eye and said he was sorry no one ever has before. I wanted to cry. He believed me? Just like that? He asked row after row of questions, the nurse typing all the answers down a bazillion miles a minute as we went, and he only nodded and then moved on to physical testing. He believed every word I said. Never looked at me like I was nuts, was lying, like I was making all this up because it couldn’t possibly be true in someone so young, and promised me that we’d work together to find answers and manage this so I could be the mom and human being I wanted to be. “No reason why not. You just need someone who will work with you. All I need you to do is be honest with me and tell me what does and doesn’t work as we go along and eventually we will find the combination that will set you free.”
I sat there dumbfounded with a stupid grin on my face. He grinned back at me because both he and the nurse were amused that so much hope had lit in my eyes. I couldn’t help it. I was overwhelmed with joy. Then it dawned on me that I was seeing what faith looked like from the reverse angle. It was amazing. Wow… THIS is what it looks like to God when we trust him, believe what he says, and know that our best interests are there. The only difference is that GOD gives us reasons to believe, to trust, to have faith, and to know the promises He has for us – afterall he has listed them in the bible. I gave the Doctor no real reason to be trusted, but he did anyway.
I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to have someone say those three little words. I believe you. It’s freeing. It’s so full of hope. So full of life. So saying to God, “I believe IN you”, as well as, “I believe YOU” is so freeing that I cant begin to contain it. It is as if I am understanding faith for the first time via this visual illustration he gave me.
I am rambling, and I know it. But I am happy, and there is great hope in the days ahead. I will have injections and new medicines to try. There will be trial and error, and new ways to do life itself to change my patterns… BUT… there is light, hope, peace, and JOY abounding.
So that GPS that God installed when I thought I knew what was going on and suddenly hit a detour? The one where I saw where I wanted to be and was so frustrated at not being able to get there??? Well the route was redirected and I am cleared to proceed directly ahead. I am on course and soon I will have the joy of reaching my destination. One where daily pain is not a given, where my main focus is not on surviving the days, but doing things in them, and to be a light to Him always. There is so much to do – and it is about time I got around to doing it instead of sitting on the sidelines wishing I was in the game.
Thanks for the detour God, because I can see now that it was way better than the original route. 🙂