Sometimes the grace God extends is so stinkin confusing! And while the world feels all inside out and “what next” – it also can be viewed as an answer to prayer. I have to keep reminding myself of that…Did I not pray my heart out and beg NOT to have to have this brain surgery thingy? Did I NOT seek a second opinion, and do so after seeking complete guidance as to WHO I should be asking and seeing… and had complete confidence and peace as to the overwhelming answer?? Then why was today such a blow and shock to my system? It took my Dad asking me that question to make me sit back and really look at this unemotionally.
I went to the neuro surgeon today and after talking and looking at the MRI, he believed that the risk did not outweigh the benefits of doing the surgery. The negative impact of doing the surgery was far greater than any relief I would gain, and in fact, he felt it would not assist me in relieving ANY of my issues. So when I left, I was oddly happy to not be facing a very looming and large surgery, but I was also feeling a massive loss of hope. I felt stripped of any ray of sun in the gloomy clouds that were hanging over me.
I went from being scared and preparing for a summer of surgery and recovery to – well – to nothing… No idea who and to where to turn.
Then Amy reminded me that God was like a GPS system. When you’re lost, and have no idea where to turn… look up and listen for the next step. Wait to hear it before taking the steps forward.
GPS systems are wonderful tools to use when going places you’ve never been. But as you plug in your destination, you must be ready to move forward trusting that the directions given are in your best interest, have the correct turns in them – even when it seems it cant be right, and most important… they only tell you when to turn as you reach the next bend in the road. You wont hear 15 direction turns and changes in one shot – just the next on you are headed towards.
Okay – so that is EXACTLY where I am at. I am confused and lost. I feel like my hope was dashed and the next step was taken out from under me. But God wont get me lost, and He has my best in mind. When I look back on my journey someday, this bend in the road will make sense. But now, no, it doesnt. I dont have to understand though, I just have to be willing to take the next step forward.
I can almost hear it – (grin) – the monotone voice saying “recalculating route” – as this unexpected turn came into play. Now just to wait to hear the next turn and step.
When I was anointed for healing at church, we prayed that God would choose to do His healing without surgery. We prayed that He would heal completely – and would bring about peace, hope, and comfort without the need for invasive surgery at all. We knew he COULD do this, so we were asking it in confidence. So maybe what we have here is an answer to prayer. A huge one. A vastly massive and great big WHOOOO HOOOO of an answer.
HOW he will choose to do the peace, hope, and comfort in the next stage of healing is a complete and wide open path. One I guess I will have to step out onto with as much prayer and confidence as I began this whole trek with months ago.
My husband held me while I sobbed out my frustration and fear this afternoon – I completely forgot everything I knew. I was overcome with the idea of nothing ever changing from what it is right now – that this was as good as it would ever get. I could hardly breathe. Then he quietly reminded me that there is always hope – and that God always has a plan. A plan to prosper, not to harm us, for HOPE and a future. He repeated my life verse back to me – Jer. 29:11 – the same one I drill into our children and even into him. And God’s peace began to flood my soul again.
As he held me I heard STEP ONE to God’s GPS coordinates: Be still and know that I am God. (read “recalculating route”) so the first step is to wait. Again. But to wait with hope.
When everything is rocky and the waves seem too high… Look up and remember…
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place.” Psalm 18: 16-19