Someone said to me, “I don’t know how you have courage enough to face brain surgery. I’d never be able to do it.” I so get what she was saying because I’ve said it before, similarly, for other circumstances. But let me clue you in on a little secret… Courage looks a lot like weakness if you peek behind the big OZ curtain.
See this is what most people don’t realize; you don’t have the weapons to fight the battle ahead of time. There’s no magic that you can bestow upon someone to make them strong. No tinkerbell pixie dust to make you rise to the occasion. There’s no bulging muscles moving me through this on any power of my own. Behind this curtain, I sit feebly and I quiver in my humanity. I shake. I’m quaking in my boots. My eyes have cried so many tears over the last week that you’d think there’d be no way I could ever shed another. I should be dehydrated at the very least. But still they come. Not because I am without faith that God will see me through. Not because I am worried that I will never wake up. Not because I am scared of the pain, the recovery, or the sheer magnitude of what lies ahead. I cry because I have never felt so alone in my whole life. There is no way anyone can join me on this journey. I cry because I don’t WANT to go it alone. And I cry because I DON’T have to.
I know – I sound contradictory here… but for all the amazing family and friends who are surrounding us and are quickly adding up in numbers – I am still alone. For all the love of my dear husband, he wont go under the knife with me. HIS journey is singularly alone as well. Just as much. And yet so NOT alone. See – a walk of faith that is being refined, tested, strengthened, and polished, it is one taken alone. You have to do it yourself. And it is DAMNED scary in our humanity. Even JESUS himself cried out to God in his last hours leading up to his betrayal. He begged his father to take the cup from him, to PLEASE don’t make him take the path before him. But in the end, he ended it with saying he’d do God’s will, whatever it was.
Jesus had friends in the crowd. His mother was there. But he was so very alone on that walk. No one could walk it for him. But GOD could, and he did, and he gave him strength as he needed it to do the work until it was completed.
I by NO means even begin to compare brain surgery to the journey to the cross – but I do stand here and tell you I am beginning to see it in a way I never did before. I see a new perspective. I can imagine the garden and the tears and can only imagine how alone he felt in his humanity.
This week has been terrifying – and amazing. It has sent me on a roller coaster of emotions that would have me displaying bugs in my teeth from the sheer velocity of it. While still scared, the amazing assurances of doctors, treatment, and the blessings of so many praying friends and family just makes me wonder how I got so blessed. What have I done to deserve so much of this amazing love being poured out? It’s just me here…I am beyond humbled and grateful that He saw fit to grow me in a way that only walking this path would ever produce. It may hurt like hell – quite literally, but in the end, I be the better for it.
Songs have been washing over me, songs of my childhood, and songs of faith I have learned in my adult faith walk. I wake to them playing in my head and I go to sleep to them at night as a lullaby. The one washing over me today? “Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus”… These songs armor me – they raise me up on wings like eagles – they help carry me when I cant stand another moment. They carry me like prayers up to Jesus and let me sit at his feet, pouring out my pain and my fears there, on my knees, humbly bowed. How can I not follow Him when he took so much more than this for me?
So for today – I want to leave you with these words written long ago – by one inspired author wiser than I in creating words that hide themselves in your heart and lift you up when you need a wing and a prayer.
I also give you a link on the off chance you have never had the privilege of hiding this song in your quiver for a day you need to do battle.
This song was written in 1882 by Louisa M. R. Stead , who wrote the lyrics after she watched her husband drown and die. It is amazing what pain can bring in it’s wake… The beauty and the transparency of what Grace truly looks like at it’s core.
Tis so sweet to Trust in Jesus/ Sung by Casting Crowns
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word;
Just to rest upon His promise;
Just to know, Thus saith the Lord.
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him,
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er,
Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more.
O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
Just in simple faith to plunge me,
‘Neath the healing, cleansing flood.
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life, and rest, and joy, and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.
Keep up to date with what’s going on: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/christicampbell