Anytime someone sends you for a surgical consult with a Neuro-specialist, well something inside you that you never knew existed gets woken up. Brain surgery is something you flippantly say when someone is making a mountain out of a mole hill. You say, “guys, this is not rocket science – nor is it brain surgery here…”
Wow – Guess what? THIS here? It IS brain surgery.
It started out simply enough. I was having increased migraines and they were getting so bad meds were not helping, no matter what kind I took. I lived with daily headaches, balance issues, vision problems that were worsening, and a host of things i always thought unrelated. So they sent me for an MRI. I figured that was it. New drugs, move on. Wrong. The MRI was abnormal.
The nurse called and said my MRI was abnormal and my doctor was sending me to see a neuro surgeon. She rattled off the name of my diagnosis and hung up. In two minutes or less my world was flipped upside down.
I have something called Chiari Malformation. It’s a condition I was born with where the brain does not fit into the skull properly and is herniated into the brain stem area. It results in pressure on the brain stem and constriction of the flow of spinal fluid, nerves, and a host of other technical termed things. Long and story short, no meds will cure it. You can mask the symptoms and issues created for a while, but the only answer is brain surgery where they take out part of the skull to give your brain room to breathe. Like unbuttoning your jeans so your stomach has room after a big meal.
When viewed logically and in theory – I am calm and collected, and very ready to say, “Well, okay. Fix me.”
On a human level? I am terrified out of my freakin mind! They are going to go at my head with a buzzy saw and cut away bone to let my BRAIN have room. They will cut away some of my hip muscle to make a patch where bone should be. Ummm – okay… …and it will be a long drawn out healing process and and a painful one. I want to just say NOOOOOO and cry and rail and get mad and then get scared and cry all over again.
But here’s the thing I come back to over and over. None of this is new to God. He is not surprised. There’s no booming doom music playing here. He is full of hope and peace and promise of a good future for me. HE believes I got what it takes to walk this path. HE thinks I am capable of brain surgery! He thinks I am strong enough to stand up under this! He sure thinks a heck of a lot more about me than I do!
So what is He planning here? Where is He taking me?
He is planning to help me. He is planning to help grow my faith. He’s gonna grow the faith of my whole family. THAT excites me. That said… I am still scared and really dont want to go at this at all.
There is a lot to learn in the next few weeks, doctors to consult, research to read, clinics to visit, tests to do, and decisions to make. LOTS of decisions to make. Who, when, where, how, and on and on…
And this is so not all about me… it affects my kids, my husband, my whole family… and how will we manage to get by without me working for a very long time? What does God have up his sleeve that will provide the unknowns for us?
But for now, I will be at rest knowing that He believes I can do this. And not only that, He will use it somehow. So that is my prayer. If I have to walk this slippery and rocky path, that he will somehow use each and every cruddy and crappy moment of it to HIS glory. That it will do a work for Him that could only be done by my choosing to be faithful in taking whatever steps he places before me, regardless of my humanity crying to have Him please remove it from me.
And there is no rosy, sunny ending to this blog. I sit with tears streaming down my face, soaking my shirt. I am scared.
But the blessings that are coming even as I type these words are the waves of comfort He brings me as I lift it all to him as an offering of obedience… and give him all I am.
Mold me, make me, use me. Heal me. Make me yours, and make me into your image. Strip away all that is ugly, unworthy and worldly, and replace it with what is pure, refined, perfected, and Holy.
Let me shine on my darkest day. Let others see you in me when I can barely hold my head up.
I am so grateful to run into the arms of my Abba Daddy, where he knows my hurts and sees my tears before they even fall.
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