I used to put a lot of weight into the assumption that if I did not face things with complete, unwavering confidence (that looked a lot like fearlessness) and a grin to match, that somehow I was faithless. Boy did I have a lot to learn! Some of the most faithful and courageously spiritual mentors of mine regularly sit with a kleenex box before them and eyes overflowing with tears. Furthermore, did not Jesus even weep?
Life is full of uncertainty. Period. None of our days are set in stone, but all are numbered and unknown. That is a given.
Another given? That all the uncertainty we face is all one-sided. What do I mean? Well, the all-knowing God who loves us so amazingly, HE is very certain… it is us, in our limited humanity, that’s uncertain as to what our tomorrows hold exactly. So the trials that have come my way lately? None of them are new to Him. Nothing in these last few weeks took God even a smidgen by surprise. Took MY breath away – but God? He already knew before I was knit together in my mother’s womb that I would be able to walk this rocky path and hold my head up high. I just wasn’t personally sure till I did it.
Lately I have wavered between denial – courage – confidence – bawling messes where I can hardly breathe – nervousness – and then silent tears that fall when I least want them to simply because I just dont WANT to travel down this roadway that’s up ahead. But none of that makes me faithless. I know that God will walk with me. He only wants the best for me. He even promises that He knows the plans he has for me – plans to prosper me, not to harm me, plans for HOPE and a FUTURE. (Jer. 29:11) But my insides are crying out to just NOT have to do any of this stuff. It’s a painful walk.
It is yet to be seen if there is a longer road ahead, a harder one, with lots of challenges and things that will test my ability to not stumble. But I can already say this much… He obviously knows I can walk whatever is ahead with grace and triumph. He promised that He’d never give us more than we could stand up under. So I intend to do just that. I know I may be nervous and scared in my humanity, but I will cling with every ounce of strength I have to my faith and make Him proud of me.
Know what I am finding? It is the snotty, bawling messes in life that end up being my defining moments. They are the specific chapter bookmarks that have made me leap from one step of faith – up to the next one.
In church yesterday, there was not a band, just Holly at the piano. Song after song washed over me as if God was personally placing his hand on my back and leading me forward to move to the next step. I haven’t take the step up, but I am ready. I am armored up. I went forward surrounded by a host of praying friends and felt a release of fear that had been holding me captive. As they anointed me for healing, all I could sense was peace. Perfect and unending peace.
So it’s okay to be scared, be nervous, cry and even be a snotty mess – but in the end, get your moxy on and hold your head up high. With God at your side, an armor of protection around you, and His promises in hand, move forward and climb up on that next step. Scared does not mean faithless – it means walking the path anyway.
Even if I end up not needing to walk into battle – God showed me I CAN rise to the challenge if He asks me to.
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