If it’s not a ‘Death Ray’ – it’s okay

So how do I put this delicately?  I am SOOOOO not a boy.  Gee, bet that’s news to you, eh?  Sometimes my life is like a sit-com, full of one-liners and laugh lines.  Other times it’s more like a drama, so get that kleenex box out.  Othertimes?  Just plain ole boring and dull.  Where’s the remote?  Something better HAS to be on.  Today?  It was sorta a mix of drama and sit-com all in one.  It was one packed with a laser – but not a Death Ray, so it’s okay…


Today somebody asked me a simple question… “How are you,”  but it was a loaded question.  My answer was post trama – so i was a bit humorous in responding where asking the same question the day before would have led to me to be dramatic and a bit pathetic.

I must admit, I am better for having had 86 laser blasts into my eye…  That was my answer to their loaded question.  Whoah!  Lasers to the eye??  Yeah well –  Let me tell you – I was not sleeping well last night thinking about it.  Good thing they didnt tell me it wasn’t the four to six blasts I was assuming it would be.

I went into the Eye doctor and they took a very long look into my inner eye with a glorified magnifying glass that sits directly on the eyeball.  They gel it up so they can twist and turn it, and shine a light all around inside of it to see every area.  My husband said it was a tad freakish as he watched the light shine all around inside my eyeball and light up from the inside.  It was like when we were kids and sticking a flashlight in our mouth to get the monster effect – only this was with my eye.  Grossed out yet?   This was not the first time I had this done, so I knew what to expect. They found a small hole in my retina so we were to return the next day to do a laser surgery.

Suddenly I lost all feeling in my limbs and the blood drained to my toes.  Laser surgery?  I really had been working hard at telling myself things were not as bad as they appeared to be…  I was seconds from passing out.  The staff went into hyper drive tipping me back, getting me orange juice, that I graciously spilled on the carpet for them, and made a very UNgraceful exit from the exam room.  Derek, my beloved husband, began to do the best thing possible,  he made fun of me and began ribbing me so the surgery was the last thing on my mind.

Next up?  The scheduling department.  I was to be a work in – for the following morning. The gal who scheduled me got my WTF look as she told me I’d be fully awake. I wanted to be knocked out! I was not excited – so I asked her, “you can give me something to make me NOT CARE that I’m awake though, right?” She had the audacity to laugh! She said no – It would be okay. Just dont blink!! SOOOO not funny! Derek gave me a pat on the back and said it was okay, He’d stop by the liquor store and get me something to make me not care 🙂 LOL She found him charming and witty. Grrr. Nice little humor at my expense, but it made me laugh anyway.  To those who are now worrying that I was all liquored up – dont worry – I went home and got loved on by my mom –  the amazing woman who dropped everything to come pick up the kids from the bus, brought me me lots of not-caring-about-ANYTHING chocolate – chocolate chip cookies and chocolate ice cream, took care of kids, packed my hubby a dinner for work, fixed us dinner, and brought donuts and juice boxes for breakfast!  You MUST love grandma in times of crisis.

I must stop and say this right now – there are only a few people in life who truly can make me stop in my tracks and get loved on properly, and my mom is one of them.  My husband is another.  I had both of them when it felt like my world was in danger of crashing in on me, and then there was my dad – amazingly supportive by sending my mom to me.  My dad knows the drill.  He’s had 9 eye surgeries, 4 of which were retinal tears.  Just the fact he’s been in my seat – well – that was comfort without words.  If he could get through it – so could I.  BTW?  HE is having eye surgery next week.  We GET eye surgery too well in my family.  UGH!

Anyway – I digress…  So no – I was fully awake.  They took me into a very sterile looking white room and had me sit on a rolling stool and press my head up to a machine.  Seriously?  I really wanted to lay down for lasers.  Instead, they strapped my head to that machine and put that stupid, blankety-blank, blasted magnifying glass on my eyeball again, then told me not to blink but look INTO the blinding light. Right!  Sure!  He took a look-see and found a second retinal tear next to the first one, which had gotten larger over night.  So it was a good thing I was here.  I then got to watch (and count cause I’m like that) while 86 blasts of the laser sealed my 2 holes into oblivian and allowed me to keep my sight.

Lucky for me this is considered MEDICAL and not VISUAL and my newly gotten medical coverage will cover this vs the vision insurance I DONT have.

So what’s up with the “death ray” title?  That comes in when we fast forward to after I had a long afternoon nap and got up just before the kids came in after school.  I was proud of surviving the laser surgery like a big girl and not freaking out publicly like I was doing on the inside.  I told my 7 year old son, “You are looking at a super hero!”  He scrunched up his nose and looked at me like I’d lost my mind.  After all – I AM just mom to him.  So I quickly explained that I had withstood 86 blasts off a green laser and not only lived to talk about it – but came away unharmed!  I was SUPER MOM!!

He looked at me another second, then asked seriously, “So it wasn’t the DEATH RAY sort of laser, but the good kind?”  Umm, right, I said.  “Oh, okay, so what did it sound like?”  What?  You mean like did it go “Pwew Pwew Pwew” or  something like that.  He nods like I am a complete idiot.  Of course that’s what he meant.  I said it really didn’t sound like much, sorta like a clicking and he just said “OH” and moved on.  WHAT!! Wait!  It’s not uneventful because it didn’t have a cool sound!  It was green!  It was a laser!  And it was hitting me in the EYE!!  Hello – why was I the only one fabulously impressed by this fact?

Okay, so I am not a boy – and cool sound effects aren’t the sound track to my life.  That much is very obvious in all of this. To his credit, he then preceded to bring up the laser several more times, but always with the disclaimer that it was NOT a Death Ray kind, but the “good” kind.  Man, I tell ya, no way to stay self absorbed for long when you live with kids…

So moving right along…  🙂


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