I left the house today, sans make-up, contacts, combed hair, or even a shower. But aside from those small details, it was a victory. The inner war that waged for hours upon waking was one that ended with me NOT retreating into my bed and under my covers, but one where I actually attempted to fulfill today’s obligations and commitments. It was a huge victory because frankly I am slowly beginning to crumble. The masks are too tiring to put on these days.
Things have been brewing for a long time. I have been pushing things under the rug emotionally, to press forward one more day. Then one morning I simply woke up and couldn’t add one more straw to my pack. It stopped working. The straw seemed so small, and to those who thought things were fine, it was probably shocking in fact.
To look at the surface of my life, you’d think I had reached a low. To find the strength to get up, move, leave, and show for work was a huge and positive step, however. In fact, simply BECAUSE I am too tired to be anything more than bare-bones-real, good things will probably come of it. I usually have to come to the end of myself before I will allow help from anyone – even God – to begin to step back up and out of my pit and onto the road waiting for me to travel.
As I drove to work, the radio kept me company, distracting me from thinking too much. Then, a song began to play, and it was like it was written just for me… I’ve heard it before, but this time, well this time I actually felt the words stir inside me. It’s from Kutless…
“Everybody falls sometimes, gotta find the strength to rise, from the ashes and make a new beginning. Anyone can feel the ache, you think it’s more than you can take, but you’re stronger, stronger than you know… Don’t you give up now, the sun will soon be shining. You gotta face the clouds, to find the silver lining…”
“I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn’t ever end, even when the sky is falling, I’ve seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new, that’s what faith can do! It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard, impossible is not a word, it’s just a reason for someone not to try. Everybody’s scared to death, when they decide to take that step, out on the water, it’ll be alright.
Life is so much more, than what your eyes are seeing, You will find your way, If you keep believing. I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn’t ever end, Even when the sky is falling, I’ve seen miracles just happens, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new… That’s what faith can do… ”
A dear friend said to me, “Don’t take it day by day or even hour by hour. Just take it one minute at a time, and you’ll get through it.”
Like Dori in “Finding Nemo” said, “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.” Funny cause I remember my dad used to say something like, “keep on keeping on…” It’s my new motto, I think. At least for now it is.
Until you reach a point where you must live life minute by minute, you forget that God is beside you with each breath you breathe. Many of the people in my life have had or are currently struggling with far greater loads and pains. They are wading through mountainous trials and standing up under weights that far exceed what I am bearing. I feel guilty and shallow for my emotional train wreck and for the weak state I feel my faith has slid into.
But everybody falls sometimes… and I am learning that’s okay. It’s okay to lean on a friend, on family, and most important, on God.
In fact, I am going to go so far as to say that it’s when we aren’t standing up on our own two feet that we are maybe the healthiest spiritually that we can be. It’s only when we are so obviously being carried by Him that we realize we are nothing. Every single good and perfect thing comes from Him alone. We can do nothing without Him, and even when we think we are… we are only fooling ourselves.
So yes – I am in a stinky, mucky pit. But the bright spot in that is I know it’s where I am standing. I see it for what it is.
And I know I can become brand new – cause that’s what faith can do.