A saving mistake

I screw things up on a daily basis some weeks – and I thought one of those mistakes was permanent. I know it sounds lame, but when my computer crashed and took with it my blog site, and the backup appeared to be lost as well, I walled up and pouted. I grieved the loss of over 3 years of a writer’s life. It may sound trivial to some, but to a writer, the loss of these blogs was like cutting out a vital organ or limb. I just stopped writing. Then this summer i finally got over it and began again, but a wounded limp of a blog was begun here. I could never recapture the years of watching my kids grow, of what happened in the world around me as they grew, and the love letters i wrote to my future adult kids as I blogged the funny or profound things they said or did.

But today i found a mistake – an accident – and my heart is so full! I accidentally backed up my blogs! I made a copy when i was trying to do something else and had no idea I had even done it. I was trying to fix a problem and found my blogs! How wonderful is that?

My heart is full, happy, and even though there is a LOT going on in life right now that is hard, trying, and not so fun… I walk a little lighter because the gifts to my three kids is in tact, and I can still someday give them a treasured look at their youth, through the eyes of their mother, in the moments they lived it.

Thank you GOD for mistakes! Saving and wonderful mistakes 🙂


Below “E”

I have almost no idea how to change the hardwiring that is the internal makeup of my being. I have been this way since I was a tiny girl, frustrated with tying my shoes… i don’t suppose there truly is hope in changing myself, but maybe i can put a dent in some of it by putting into place changes that force me to travel my life roads differently. Asking for help before I am running on the fumes that sputter when my tank reaches BELOW the “E” line would be a great place to start. Only problem is that I don’t like to see myself as not wearing a fantastic red and blue outfit with a cape making me Wonder Woman. I WANT to be able to do it all – so time and time again I try it, even though I failed before, yet hoping somehow that THIS time I will get the hang of it and actually fly high vs crash to the ground under the weight.

What am I rambling about? Oh, just the mini breakdowns that seem to plague my life. Nearly all the wonderful people who know me and call me “friend” assume I am the sunny smile of a person who they meet up with at church, the kids’ school, or even in the grocery store. I flash a grin as easily as I breathe. The truth is I am a happy person at my core. The smile is not fake, but it does mask any reality that may be creeping in. It blocks their view to my rat race world where the plates I spin are precariously piled one atop the other like the circus performers I saw once as a child. If the bottom one was to stop spinning, the ones balanced above it will crash in an instant.

I let no one see the harried and haggard face that stares at me in the mirror in the mornings. I talk to her and tell her she can face one more day. Pep talks are a daily occurrence. I paint on make up that makes me look alive and awake, arrange the mass of curls on my head, and dress in clothes that make me look like I got it together. The REAL me wants to wear the old jeans with the knees blown out, the favorite ragged sweatshirt of Derek’s from our college days, and a ball cap so i don’t have to worry about the mop of bed-head that begs to be tamed. I want my cozy fur lined pink crocs the kids gave me vs the running shoes required to get through the race I am about to face. Somedays I just want to crawl back into bed. Sometimes, I will admit, I even do it.

I am like nearly any woman I have met. I am not unique in any of this. Somehow though, it feels very lonely here in this maze, clock ticking away. I second guess myself all the time.  I am sure i am not doing enough and not nearly as well as i should. I pile my plates with all the things I PERSONALLY think i should be doing – i get tired, burned out – stressed – grumpy – discontent – and desperate.  When I do this, I find I am never renewed, not happy, and I never have enough of myself to go around.  There is almost no joy.

But what I do know is this:

There is a different road to travel than the one i put myself on regularly. I have a gifted set of ears… I hear from God in ways that still confuse and amaze me. I learned early in life how to listen to Him.  When i do the things that I know i am being asked to do, things go well, and the rewards are great.  When I do THESE things, I am renewed even before I am done giving all I have to give.  Because obedience is always rewarded with abundant renewal…  Living by the verse: “Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all for the GLORY of GOD”  (in other words, not for MY own glory or or my own agenda) doing this keeps me sane and my head and heart are in alignment.  

So I am praying over what to put on my plates – even the mundane home tasks, because we are a team here, not a one woman show… I need to figure out where to ask for help and what that will look like.  I’m figuring out a lot of things right now. As a family we have been through a lot in the last 15 months – and for much of it I carried the intense weight and stress of things mostly alone (by choice) and I have a hard time figuring out to let go of it all.

I know I was created for a wonderful purpose and sometimes that is simply to be the smiling face that is ready to hear about my kids’ days when they run through the front door.  As much as i think that is nothing when i look at a to-do list that grows by the minute, I KNOW it is something to God!  It will shape and change who my kids are in the future.  There are TONS of those kind of tasks on my plate that are in danger of getting knocked off.

So what’s my point in all this? Oh I don’t know. To come clean maybe? To be real. To say, “Hi, my name is Christi, and I can’t do it all. I am no Wonder Woman, I am simply human.”

Why? Because I fear someone out there may actually believe I am who I pretend to be. That she may believe she should be able to do it all – because she sees my lie. She sees the smile, and the mask, and she assumes the rest.

So there, I said it… now to do something about it… Suck it up and ask for help…
Have I mentioned I don’t do this well?!

Okay, so I now to pull some action out of these words…
…maybe I’ll just start tomorrow.


Falling Blessings


Today the kids ran around in the yard raking leaves, jumping, raking, jumping, over and over.  They had a blast!

Sometimes I think I need to do this too with my spiritual yard…  ever thought this?  Have you counted blessings lately?  I’m not sure why, but as the kids were running around and the leaves were raining down from the trees, sun cascading through the branches of the trees overhead, I was struck by it.  The blessings in my life right now are as numerous as those leaves are.  Sometimes I fail to see the falling leaves, sometimes i feel more of the sticks poking out of the leaf pile than the soft bed of gold and reds… but they are there if I look for them.  There are days I am too tired to look for the falling leaves.  Maybe you are too somedays.  I dare you to do something!  I dare you to rake those blessings into a pile and really look at them, see how big the pile gets… then dont be a grown up about it. Go lay in them, throw them in the air, twirl beneath the falling leaf blessings and shout for joy as you run through the pile kicking them about.

The kids have the right idea.  It’s time to wallow in the blessings, to cover up so only the tip of our nose shows, to breathe in the sent of it, and giggle uncontrollably with joy.

You may not be able to run out into your front yard today and jump into a leaf pile…  But you CAN cover yourself with the blessings that HE is bestowing upon you – the ones that can cover you all the way to the tip of your nose if you let Him!