I have almost no idea how to change the hardwiring that is the internal makeup of my being. I have been this way since I was a tiny girl, frustrated with tying my shoes… i don’t suppose there truly is hope in changing myself, but maybe i can put a dent in some of it by putting into place changes that force me to travel my life roads differently. Asking for help before I am running on the fumes that sputter when my tank reaches BELOW the “E” line would be a great place to start. Only problem is that I don’t like to see myself as not wearing a fantastic red and blue outfit with a cape making me Wonder Woman. I WANT to be able to do it all – so time and time again I try it, even though I failed before, yet hoping somehow that THIS time I will get the hang of it and actually fly high vs crash to the ground under the weight.
What am I rambling about? Oh, just the mini breakdowns that seem to plague my life. Nearly all the wonderful people who know me and call me “friend” assume I am the sunny smile of a person who they meet up with at church, the kids’ school, or even in the grocery store. I flash a grin as easily as I breathe. The truth is I am a happy person at my core. The smile is not fake, but it does mask any reality that may be creeping in. It blocks their view to my rat race world where the plates I spin are precariously piled one atop the other like the circus performers I saw once as a child. If the bottom one was to stop spinning, the ones balanced above it will crash in an instant.
I let no one see the harried and haggard face that stares at me in the mirror in the mornings. I talk to her and tell her she can face one more day. Pep talks are a daily occurrence. I paint on make up that makes me look alive and awake, arrange the mass of curls on my head, and dress in clothes that make me look like I got it together. The REAL me wants to wear the old jeans with the knees blown out, the favorite ragged sweatshirt of Derek’s from our college days, and a ball cap so i don’t have to worry about the mop of bed-head that begs to be tamed. I want my cozy fur lined pink crocs the kids gave me vs the running shoes required to get through the race I am about to face. Somedays I just want to crawl back into bed. Sometimes, I will admit, I even do it.
I am like nearly any woman I have met. I am not unique in any of this. Somehow though, it feels very lonely here in this maze, clock ticking away. I second guess myself all the time. I am sure i am not doing enough and not nearly as well as i should. I pile my plates with all the things I PERSONALLY think i should be doing – i get tired, burned out – stressed – grumpy – discontent – and desperate. When I do this, I find I am never renewed, not happy, and I never have enough of myself to go around. There is almost no joy.
But what I do know is this:
There is a different road to travel than the one i put myself on regularly. I have a gifted set of ears… I hear from God in ways that still confuse and amaze me. I learned early in life how to listen to Him. When i do the things that I know i am being asked to do, things go well, and the rewards are great. When I do THESE things, I am renewed even before I am done giving all I have to give. Because obedience is always rewarded with abundant renewal… Living by the verse: “Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all for the GLORY of GOD” (in other words, not for MY own glory or or my own agenda) doing this keeps me sane and my head and heart are in alignment.
So I am praying over what to put on my plates – even the mundane home tasks, because we are a team here, not a one woman show… I need to figure out where to ask for help and what that will look like. I’m figuring out a lot of things right now. As a family we have been through a lot in the last 15 months – and for much of it I carried the intense weight and stress of things mostly alone (by choice) and I have a hard time figuring out to let go of it all.
I know I was created for a wonderful purpose and sometimes that is simply to be the smiling face that is ready to hear about my kids’ days when they run through the front door. As much as i think that is nothing when i look at a to-do list that grows by the minute, I KNOW it is something to God! It will shape and change who my kids are in the future. There are TONS of those kind of tasks on my plate that are in danger of getting knocked off.
So what’s my point in all this? Oh I don’t know. To come clean maybe? To be real. To say, “Hi, my name is Christi, and I can’t do it all. I am no Wonder Woman, I am simply human.”
Why? Because I fear someone out there may actually believe I am who I pretend to be. That she may believe she should be able to do it all – because she sees my lie. She sees the smile, and the mask, and she assumes the rest.
So there, I said it… now to do something about it… Suck it up and ask for help…
Have I mentioned I don’t do this well?!
Okay, so I now to pull some action out of these words…
…maybe I’ll just start tomorrow.