the day begins

The alarm annoyingly began to chirp at 5:45 and without even thinking i snoozed it in my sleep. One small part of my brain was slightly awake, the rest of me was dead as a door nail. There was a time I was a morning person, but those days are long since gone from my life. In general I am a nice person before coffee, mainly since i don’t drink it. But I don’t bound out of bed and have a smile plastered on my face. Chipper is no longer in my vocabulary if it comes before 8 am.

Today i found myself pushing snooze again five minutes later and i was no more awake than the last time. I am consciously awake, but as for actually moving my feet and placing one before the other, yeah, that wasn’t gonna happen any time soon. The kids’ alarm clock went off and i was grateful i had made that $7 investment. I could get in their “first” wake up call without actually getting out of my comfy bed.

The sun was up and doing it’s wonderful job and i found that a small reason to smile. It wasn’t raining for the second day in a row and that alone was enough reason to get out of bed today. I struggled to sit up and felt like a MAC truck had hit me. This is the effect of not being on the meds i should be on. I have not returned to the doc to do the battery of testing it takes to figure out a new medicine regime for my thyroid. I know i need to do it, but i keep hoping Derek will luck his way into a job off of one of the interviews he as and maybe it will be covered vs a full pocket expense. I hate full price medical treatment. The meds i was on stopped being made, and there was not another one they just flip you into. I had to return to figure it out. So the main side effect of not having them is this foggy, inability to wake in the morning. It sorta feels like a hangover. I’ve actually only had one of those in my life, and it wasn’t a bad one, but this is what i imagine it would feel like if it was a worse one. A scorcher of a headache for the first two hours upon waking, foggy, and irritable. Yeah, time to suck it up and get that appointment made, I know.

The kids are off to the bus and all three climbed willingly into the car, mostly. It was not one of our worst mornings, so i am celebrating with a cup of tea and rattling off thoughts no one much will care about to read. Lucky you – I am writing for me and you got stuck reading it. Sorry about that. I plan to write random thoughts in this blog. All just reality based, and some even boring… but all of it true to life. Just a warning! It is all part of looking behind the mask. And guess what? Daily life is boring much of the time. But capturing reality is what it’s all about. It’s real, it’s life, it’s mine.

Now i have to haul myself to a cleaning job today, get around to a baking frenzy for a party i am helping host tonight – so i need to make cookies, brownies, and some rice crispy squares. I have to make more than what i need to take because i bake so infrequently that the kids will go crazy if they don’t get some of these delish yummies. ( I don’t bake so i don’t eat it. I have zero will power and if it isn’t here, i obviously can’t eat it. )

Today’s devotional message: Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Sometimes i find it funny how my message comes at odds with my day. Be still, and my day is run around crazy. So for now, I am gonna go take some time with my hot tea, that i am rewarming for the 3rd time, and just go be still. I will spend some time with Him before I begin the day so that my perspective and motives are clear.



Nothing any more…

I had been laying trying to psych myself up to actually put my feet on the floor for about an hour. Migraines leave me feeling like a jiggly pile of jello has replaced my bones and I’m unsteady and unmotivated. But hearing the sounds of happy kids outside my bedroom window made me move. They’d begged to go outside, and I spose many would think me a bad mom to say yes, I did say it anyway. They promised to stay in our yard and not go throughout the block, and they are 11, 9, and nearly 7. Not exactly babies and can hold their own in a battle of the tattle tale wars. I never worry about not knowing what’s going on, sick or not.

I wanted to see my kids playing and not miss the whole day. It was noon for pity sakes and i still was in this infirmary bed of sorts. The nagging sense that they were outside unsupervised also drove me to put one foot in front of the other and not let the intense pounding threatening to open my skull prevent me from doing so any longer.

I got up in time to see Drake rush in and begin digging through his toy bin with gusto. I smiled and leaned on the door frame for support and I asked what he was looking for. He froze. Hmmm. That would be Warning# 1. “Just a thing,” he answered vaguely. Hmmm. A thing. That’d be warning#2. Drake is detailed and full of amazing stories for everything. Vague = trouble. I asked what he was doing outside, and he said “nothing any more.” And so my warnings were complete. That would be warning#3. If it wasn’t happening anymore, and you felt the need to remove yourself from it, then it couldn’t be GOOD things that were going on – but secretive fun things . Now this called for a BIG HMMM.

They were creating a river. A river in the back yard with water from the hose. The river’s banks were being built up when i looked out the window. It is safe to say we do not own a fantastic backyard full of glorious green grass, but what grass we do have we try hard to keep looking like, well, a sparse yard at least. The river, it’s newly enlarged banks, and the pond it ran to were NOT exactly in the landscaping plans for our lawn.

To be truthful a lot of me actually wanted to just let them do it. I remembered being a kid and making rivers and mud pies. I loved creating in the mud, building little bowls and food, buildings with mud and sticks, and entire worlds in my imagination. But the stinkin adult in me wanted to not have a river and muddy pond in my yard, and KNEW their dad would like it far less than I did. So i did the annoying grownup thing and told them to find something new to do that did not involve creating rivers in the backyard.

For one more moment, i again wished for a home in the country, so my kids could run and play, make mud pies and entire worlds till their creativity ran dry. Somehow i know i wouldn’t care there, but the postage stamp of grass we have here makes me a bit rigid.

I am sure since they moved on and are still having fun that no permanent damage was had… but i still am sad at the stifling of creativity my adult side seemed to require of itself.

But each time i think about Drake i laugh out loud. The answer to my question of “whatcha doin” was “nothing any more.” I am wondering… did he really mean they were done building it, or did he KNOW that the fun was over? Mom’s up, were gonna be doing nothing now…